Pain~Love~Authenticity

nuckinuk

When not so good things happen in our lives they can affect us deeply. Some of these strike us to our core and impact on our lives for many years. What happens though when you go one step further from that and believe that this ‘bad’ stuff is actually a part of us, in every cell, through our DNA? Does this make us un-fixable, broken? Are we in a battle that can never be undone?

We all know that some behaviours are learned. We learn from a very early age and are shaped by the people around us- our families in particular. If you have experienced poor parenting as a child, abusive encounters, trauma of any kind, be it short term or prolonged, those impact on you in so many ways until they are addressed and healed. We can often heal most other things in our lives, but the ones that…

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We need each other

I wrote this piece in April, 2009

I know spring is really here when my hummingbirds come back. This year they bought a message with them…….

Twice in two days I had to rescue the female from the garage. She was desperately trying to get out thru the closed window, anxiously beating her wings trying to head toward the light.  What she couldn’t see in her panic was that what she needed was a friend, someone to help her to stop and look for another way out.

This message was recently repeated in my women’s group. We did an exercise in letting go. Our intention was letting go of something in our life that no longer serves us. We found our answers during the meditation. Each answer was unique and specific. All we needed was a friend to help us stop and look for another way out.  One woman realized a profound Truth…”The sweetness of Life is within ME.” 

 

Coming together in a group has a precious dynamic that feeds my soul. Meditating with friends helps me to stop and look for another way out.  

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Artist~Jody Bergsma

 

Hummingbird Symbology: Joy, Vitality & Renewal.  

Did you know, when they fly their wings are tracing the Infinity Symbol?

 

 

 

 

 

True North

All my life I have struggled with finding my True North. Attempts at heading  purposefully in the direction of self-love and empowerment were derailed by bi-polar swings masked by addiction and a strong Actress archetype. For years all I prayed for was Inner Peace. Balance, Moderation and Discernment were the keys to the peace, yet not within my clouded mental grasp. Slowly and Painfully I have pulled to me a new center. A center which surprised me a few days ago. Flying high after a few climactic days of energy work, sessions and collaborations, I began to feel sad….not empty, depressed or devastated. There were no tears.

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The next day I woke with such gratitude. Fully embracing the bliss of numerous uplifting encounters followed by mere sadness….this is a huge breakthrough  for me. One long overdue. This may be a slow realization…experienced numerous times over the past year. Now, as I consider the image of a pendulum swinging…..full expansion no longer needs to be “balanced” by full contraction.  

Inner Peace

M*

Circle of Stones

Circle of Stones by Judith Duerk

How might your life have been different, if, when you were a young woman, the first time you felt feelings of depression, an older woman had come to sit with you? If she had come to sit with you, as someone had come to sit with her the first time she had feelings of deperession? To simply sit, quietly, perhaps wordlessly- to sit with you, during your dark time.

And how might your life have been different if the woman had accepted your feelings of depression? Had accepted them so completely and fully that you began to feel safe with them. If there had been no judgement and no questioning… no attempt to make you smile, to betray your feelings, to deny your darkness. If the woman had simply sat in silence with you, with your pain, and in the darkest moments had been able to reflect it to you…to reflect to you your pain…to witness……attend… and by her quiet respect for it to help you learn to respect it….your own pain and depression…to witness, attend and respect your depression…and to see that just as the woman had faith in it, you also might have a glimmer of faith that there was meaning and truth in your darkness.

How might your life be different?

I grew up in a household filtered by depression. Not the kind that is so apparent that something must be done about it. The sneaky kind you can live with and pretend it isn’t there. My mother’s depression was  absolutely never acknowledged.

I don’t remember my first cycle of depression. It may have occurred sometime around the time I was 5 yrs old….after I was taken out of Sunday School. My first attempt at evangelization didn’t go so well. I came home and told my dad (a non-practicing Catholic) that if he didn’t go to church with us he was going to Hell. That ended my relationship with my first love, Jesus. My mom didn’t take me back to church. Before that I was bright and shiny…even my Sunday School teacher was tired of hearing me sing Jesus Loves Me.

At some point I stopped trying to remember life. I spent a great deal of time alone in my room. I remember the carpet….the wallpaper and even my closet….I don’t remember many events, birthdays or vacations. My mom never spoke of her depression or asked me about mine. I was lonely and manifested illness quite frequently. My first grade teacher described me as “melancholy”.

How might MY life be different?

Sometime in the not so distant past I began to feel safe with my darkness….I recognize, retreat and respect it. I light more candles, take more baths and read more books. I remind myself that it is temporary. Energy is constantly changing…I am open to change.

Lessons in Self Love

A number of years ago I was being mentored by a beautiful spiritual teacher who was helping me heal from the past and develop my psychic gifts. Our connection was heartfelt and we became great friends. I trusted her and believed she would never hurt me.

The relationship ended when her partner (also a spiritual teacher) threatened to kill me and my family. She was there when he said it and she told me she needed to stay with him until their work together was complete. I didn’t understand. I severed the relationship and lived in fear for months. How could someone working for the Light threaten my life? This man had gained my trust and met my family. It took me quite some time to reclaim my power and decide to move forward with my spiritual journey.

I now find myself in the role of mentor and teacher. I was put to the test two days ago when this man contacted me via email. I felt a tightness in my chest and my breath became shallow. All he asked was how I was doing.

When I allowed myself to listen to my heart, I realized I wasn’t afraid of him. I felt a deep sense of relief.

I sent a brief reply and asked if he was working for the Light. What my ego wanted was an apology…for him to ask for my forgiveness. There was none.

But there was a gift. Coming fully into the realization of my ability to choose Love over Fear. For myself. I get to choose, no one has the power to control me. Loving myself is the Last Lesson my teacher said. Now I have what she was trying to teach me all along.

Drowning….

Having been completely driven by my desire to transform, I have welcomed the FIRE of the Divine Masculine. A burning aggressive purging. This burning ceased weeks ago.

The current influx of Divine Feminine energy has me wondering. I’m wondering about my resistance.

Creator VS Creative

When I realized the burning ceased, I began to notice the slow pull of a wave like motion. Gently losing my bearings. Teary eyed and forgetful. I attempted resting in the arms of Divine Mother but struggled and grew impatient….wanting to get down and DO something. I tend to resist the powerful tide of emotion as it appears unsafe. How can I create from this space? How do I move into this energy and surrender to the unknown.

I recognize the fear of drowning …of being completely immersed in the darkness.

Ceremony VS Surrender

As we head into the next few days I believe there will be an Unfolding. Perhaps even an Unraveling or an Unveiling. Whatever appears I will do my best not to resist. In that moment I am open to receive. I will stand with an open heart and open hands ready for whatever is next.

I am and I am not.

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I am not enlightened. I do not claim supreme spiritual understanding.
I realize I am in judgement when I say I don’t believe anyone is.
I am not a vegan or a purist. I try my best not to harm the planet or her inhabitants.
I still watch TV, drink coffee and eat chocolate.
I’m a grandma, mother, wife, sister and daughter.
My friends and family can confirm I do not always act spiritual.
I hold no degree in Psychology or any certificates that validate my worth.
I am a recovered addict. I am prone to the illusion of suffering.
I prefer quiet to small talk.
I no longer care about being right. I do have regrets but I am smarter because of them.
I forgive others quickly. I love myself unconditionally. I don’t like my ego very much.
I am currently the best version of myself I have ever been.
I see into people and feel their suffering.
I have never traveled outside of North America.
I have traveled to the place where I no longer have questions,
where there is absolute calm and no need for form. This realm I call Source,
The Creative Void or The Everything.
When I feel off-track I take myself to this place and realize how simply
beautiful it is to be alive.
I believe in prayer as a loving gesture to promote healing and love for one another.
I don’t believe Aliens or Jesus is coming back to save us. This time it’s on us.
I believe forgiveness and gratitude are the secret keys to healing.
I believe we each have a unique divine purpose vitally important to
contribute to humanity.
My gift is to help you heal so you can step fully into the best version of you.